How to Stop Obsessing Over Women

Did you ever find yourself in a situation where you were so attracted by a woman that you couldn’t help but get her at all costs?

If yes, I perfectly understand you because I was precisely the kind of guy obsessing over women in the past just like a coder is obsessed with computers.

If you suffer this problem as well, probably you always tend to control social interactions with women. You try to get them to your only advantage, and when things don’t go as planned, you get angry clenching your stomach and fists and you freak out in an open vent, punching the wall next to you.

If you can relate to this you probably also see interactions with women like a battle where either you win, or she wins. When you win, everything is ok, when she does, it’s not, because you hate losing.

Now I can understand that losing is terrible but if that’s your reaction when a woman rejects you, keep reading the post please and do favor both to yourself and to the world.

What You’ll Learn From This Article

After reading this article, you will start to light the fire of awareness on how to create true freedom in your life even when approaching women consistently and getting rejected frequently and you’ll finally get rid of that anger sensation every time you’ll get rejected by one.

I know you are thinking:

“Yes, Sal but how can I be outcome independent if I really like her?” “I love her so much that I would treat her so well if she were my girlfriend, I would buy her flowers, bring her to the restaurant, leave with her on a road trip to Italy and then buy…”


Probably all you want to do to her is throw her on a bed and give her the best sex lesson of her life with a combination of roughness and care. After that, you might do all the other things but what has drawn you to her has been your primal sexual instinct, and that’s perfectly normal.

You just have to learn how to control your obsession because that’s precisely what is making her run away from you, apart from ruining your own experience with her that should be relaxed and free.

Before I tell you the solution anyway, I’ll pose a little question to you.

Do you think that you should put a strong effort to win a woman you like or you should be immediately outcome independent to get her?

We all know that outcome independence has its advantages and that’s true to an extent. Anyway, the best solution, in my opinion, lies in a combination of effort + outcome independence in a perfectly timed manner. You’ll understand what I mean in a minute.

My First Cold Approaches

I got into the dating world because I was not being successful with women for all my entire life and I wanted to improve my skills once forever. Yes, I was like that before.

I was feeling demotivated like a soccer player whose team is losing 6-0, worthless like a piece of carbon in a diamond cave and undesired from the opposite sex like a home visit from your friend when you’re cuddling with a girl.

And this felt SHIT. That’s a picture of me during that time by the way, where I was pretending to be cool.

To solve this problem, I started to study women psychology through books, online posts, and videos like most people did. They all suggested to study 10% of the time and to practice on the other 90% of it, and so I started going out of my home to put myself in cold water.

As you can imagine, the first times I practiced I wasn’t even able to talk to one single woman. Every time I was getting close to one, my body would command me to stop with an immediate rush of adrenaline that was circulating all over it. It felt like being in extreme danger or like getting caught from your parents while doing something wrong.

I guess you know the feeling I am talking about if you ever tried to approach a woman you liked.

Things Started To Get Better But…

After some months of practice and epic fails I started to get some attention from women, and it just felt amazing, especially when you never knew what being attractive to women meant. It felt like a new world was being presented to me, a world where women weren’t that snob or uninterested but creatures designed to be approached and seduced.

The old chapter of my life was closed by a big theatre curtain while I could sheer through a small opening in it the future that life reserved to me, a tomorrow where relationships with women would not have been a problem anymore.

The evil side of that fact is that when you start getting attention from them, you begin to like it so much that you start growing dependent on it and on validation from women as well. This is one of the worst things that can happen to you in your pickup path, as well as in your general life (money and fame are other examples).

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The need for attention and validation can eat you alive and, as a matter of fact, I started getting addicted to them without even being aware of it.

The Punishment Didn’t Last To Arrive

— “I’m getting good at this,” I said. “I gotta make all the women I like attracted to me now.”

I was thinking that I was the shit thanks to the cold approaching skills I had developed. The problem with this egocentric and selfish view was that it was making me focus on the women that were resisting to me instead of concentrating on the ones that liked me.

Mainly I was thinking more on the women were not attracted to me rather than letting go and focussing on the ones that were for real drawn to me.

I started to approach women only for the pleasure to win them over and to prove myself that I could eventually have the ones that turned me down, rather than for the joy of sharing exciting intimate moments with them, a pleasure that later turned into a disturbing obsession.

As you can imagine, this brought me down a negative spiral of significant and painful failures.

The worst reactions I had happened with the women that were giving me some sort of attention at first but then dropped it for some reasons unknown to me.

Those behaviors were literally driving me crazy, and I couldn’t help but freak out every time they behaved that way.

My Worst Experience – The Woman Who Drove Me The Craziest

One unusually severe episode happened with a girl that I liked very much at the time. She was studying in the same college as me, and the first time I noticed her I immediately fell in love.

She was a tall brunette with a slim and curvy body that made me go crazy every time I saw her.

Her best part, anyway, was her butt. Her booty was perfect in all its forms. It was big but compact, classic of an Instagram model nowadays. I won’t post a photo of her actual one but if you want to have an idea of how it looked, here is one really similar to her one.

If you saw it from the back it had a heart-shaped form, from the side it was round and created a clear separation both from her lower back and thighs.

It was paradise, and from the first time I saw it I had labeled it as “The best ass in the whole college.”

How I Met Her

For some reasons, the first two times I saw her I didn’t go for the approach, even if it was in easy contexts and situations.

Then, during a week when my best friend Angelo was visiting me in Rome, I saw her with another cute friend of her.

That was the time I decided to go to approach her and the other woman with my friend.

The opener was kind of funny actually. I saw them passing next to us and entering the toilets located just in front of us.

The entrance for the toilets was the same one both for the male and the female ones, then it divided into the male side (to the right ) and the female one (to the left).

The Genius Idea to Approach Her

Once I saw them entering into the female toiled I was thinking of what to say before they went out of it. I didn’t know what to say or do, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lose the opportunity.

At a certain point, an idea popped up into my mind. I saw that I could have exchanged the female sign of the toilet with the male one.

I thought “Now I’ll swap them so that they’ll believe to have gotten into the wrong toilet.” In all of that, my friend Angelo was already laughing for what was about to happen.

I swapped the signs and came back standing on the wall in front of the exit next to Angelo and waited for them to exit from the toilet.

Finally, they did, and with a cool move, I said “Hey girls! You’ve gotten into the wrong toilet! That’s the one for males!”

They took the bait and immediately got emotional about what occurred. We later engaged in a conversation that lasted for about an hour at the end of which the friend of the woman I liked invited us for dinner at their place, that same night.

That’s what they told us. For simplicity purposes, I’m gonna call the woman I liked “Anne” and the other one “Jennifer” even though those aren’t their real names.

We Get Invited to their House

— Jennifer: “Hey guys, why don’t you come over for a pizza tonight? We’ll cook it.”  

— Sal: “Are you nice cooks or we’re going to get intoxicated.”

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— Anne: “Trust us we are really good at cooking!”

— Angelo: “Ok, let’s do it.”

— Jennifer “Ok, let’s meet at 8:30 in Manzoni Square.”

We. Looked. Incredulous.

We didn’t expect this as it was a freaking dream to be invited into the house of your ideal woman. Try to imagine how it would feel if today you met the woman of your dreams and she invited you to her home for dinner together.

I won’t tell you the details of how all the story unfolded as that’s not the aim of this post. What I want you to know instead is that we spent the following weeks together having a lot of fun with foreplay and stuff but never getting to sex.

She Yielded to me, then she Changed Her Mind

She was already behaving strangely with me, giving me attention one day and doing crazy stuff in bed and rejecting me the other, saying that we were “just friends.”

Then, one day, she pulled away her interest for me without any explicit reason, and I literally lost my mind.

I started to become obsessed with her to the point where I went to her house with some flowers in incognito (never brought flowers to any woman before). I was pushing walls and stuff just like the guy in the Muse video clip “Hysteria” does.

— “How is this possible?” I thought. “I am in the pickup for 3 years, and I can’t convince her to like me? That can’t happen, I MUST have her.”

Day and night I was thinking of every way with which I could manipulate her into liking me. Pretty shady right? That’s one of the consequences of getting obsessed with women.

I soon realized that I was playing the game in the wrong way and that this obsession with her was doing too much harm to the two of us.

The fact that she turned me down also provoked me to overreact and to seek validation from other women and… guess what? I was focussing only on the rejections I was receiving instead of enjoying the pleasure of approaching women.

Unfortunately, that can be the power of a woman’s attraction over a man that is not strong internally. A woman can literally destroy a man’s life if he is not strong enough and that’s why you have to stop being obsessed with only one woman if she does not reciprocate the interest to you.

Moreover, if you do pick up to get validation from women, you are doing it in the wrong way. You are probably playing the numbers game to fill up your unmet needs and inflate your ego. In reality, that’s a clear sign of LOW SELF ESTEEM.

The purpose of picking up women is to create genuine attraction with the ones you meet and to have fun with them, not to make a tragedy out of your rejections or to get stuck into that beautiful one that either does not reciprocate or that likes to play with you.

Hey, Sal, you’re right, I react this way too sometimes; how can I get out of this negative loop?

That’s what I wanted you to ask yourself (hope you did).

I don’t know if you had or are having similar experiences in your life, but all I can tell you is to follow these tips:

Tip #1: Once you made your move, let her decide.

If you’ve made your offer (move), she knows more or less what she is gonna get from you. Then it is up to her to decide if she wants to sleep with you or if she wants to start some sort of relationship with you. The fact that she gave you her number, kissed you or slept with you (like in my case) does not justify you to get obsessed with her.

Respect her right to be free as a human being and let her make her decisions on her own. Always remember that you cannot control people in life, but you can only inspire them.

What you have to learn is to become outcome independent only after you’ve made your offer clear to her and gave her the possibility to grab it.

That’s also the moment when you must drop all expectations and attachment to the result. You know where you want to bring the interaction and she knows too. At this point, you just have to make things happen as naturally as possible without trying to force anything.

Does this mean I shouldn’t be persistent with women you like?

Not at all. Be persistent, still, try and try to get to where you want to get. If it is sex that you wanna have, try to get it by only going past the symbolic rejection and not the real one she might be expressing.

The limits to persistence lie in calibration and common sense. If you see that after various attempts she is not responding to you, just drop it.

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Tip #2: It’s not a defeat is she rejects you

Don’t even look at it as a defeat, just look at a situation from the perspective that she might not be the right woman for you in that specific moment. Maybe she will be in the future but not now unless she wants it.

What you want and what she wants are not the same when rejection happens, as simple as that. Even if you practice pickup, it is absurd to believe that you can have every woman you meet as that’s against reality. There will always be a woman that will like you as there will still be a woman that won’t because that’s how things are meant to be naturally.

If you think about it, you also won’t sleep with all the women you meet right, even if they look cute. That’s because there is something more than just aesthetics that justifies attraction.

We, as men in the pickup community, are doing harm to women and to the community itself behaving this way. Let’s get back our honor, dignity, and integrity that only real men have and let’s respect their boundaries and choices.

More than that, let’s also get back our self-respect and self-esteem by accepting to be rejected and moving on like a man instead of crying over a woman as pussy does.

Why do you think most women can’t stand men who get obsessed with them? Because it seems like the majority of them doesn’t know when to stop, exactly like I was behaving before with her. Coming from that place I can tell you that there is another level of the game, that next level that is more effective for both men and women and more harmonious at the same time.

Tip #3: Always Focus on Abundance

Put your ego on the side if she rejects you, and move on. There are millions of women, and for your own good, it is better to focus on the ones that naturally resonate with you instead of concentrating on the ones with which you have nothing to share, also from a sexual point of view.

Remember that we are lucky to live in a free world where we can talk to all the women we want but also remember that if you are entitled with the right to approach a woman, then she is authorized with the right to reject your offer.

The next time you’ll get rejected by a woman think this:

“That’s fine because I’ve really tried my best. Probably we are not made for each other right now. Surely I’ll meet a woman that will like me soon, let’s move on head-on and find out what life reserves to me.”

Think about this for a minute:

Try to feel how annoying a woman can be for you if she sticks around you too much. Think of this woman as someone obsessed with getting you at all costs because of his ego, even after you have explicitly rejected her.

Or if you’ve ever been approached by a man and are straight, think how annoying it would be if this man would text you all day and be obsessed with you to the point you wanna throw up.

I hope you got how they feel when that happens now.


Realize that if you approach a woman by stating your intentions clearly and honestly, you already won as you’ve been brave, honest and also respectful.

Answering to our previous question, you must, of course, drop the outcome of the interaction but only once you’ve made your offer with intention, confidence and positive expectation.

If you drop the outcome dependence before starting the interaction, you risk of not being as committed as you should be in the first place as if you don’t really care, then you wouldn’t be as excited as you should be when in her presence.

The next time you get rejected by a woman, immediately think of my advice, get over it and move on. Try to do this every time from now on.

Did you ever obsess over one woman you liked very much? How did you manage the situation?

Comment below your experience, we’ll be happy to hear it.

Armin is an online entrepreneur and writer in the dating, psychology and spirituality areas of the self-help industry.
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